Mom, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, Lactation Consultant, Advice Giver, Leader of a Boob Group, and Teacher. For those of you who know me casually, these are probably the words you would use to describe me. My closest friends might add Wine Lover, Chef, Business Woman, Huge Fan of Karaoke, Bossy, Passionate, and Traveler. While I can agree with those descriptions for the most part, at the end of the day, I see an insecure woman, just trying to keep her head above water as she navigates the challenges of daily life. Sometimes I like this woman; sometimes I despise her.
Since I started writing the Sanity Spot, almost two years ago, I was so afraid to be anything but super professional.
What if my clients and readers didn’t like me? What if they thought I didn’t know anything about parenting and breastfeeding? Worse yet, what if they disagreed with me?
So, I wrote as often as I could, sharing posts inspired by the women in my breastfeeding support group, fondly referred to as the ‘Boob Group.’ I offered advice about going back to work while breastfeeding. I wrote about Supporting the Sisterhood; all of which I still believe are supremely important. Yet, The Sanity Spot didn’t have a voice. It didn’t have MY voice.
Inspired by the Facebook questionnaires that went around a few years ago, I thought I would share a few intimate things about who I really am. Consider it a glimpse into my heart and the beginning of finding my voice.
- I feel guilt every day about the uninformed decisions that I made during my first son’s birth because I feel like the birth interventions I chose may have caused him to have sensory integration disorder.
- I have to constantly remind myself not to scream at my kids. One, because it brings tears to their eyes. Two, because I am afraid of what the neighbors will think.
- I am extremely jealous of my sister and sister-in-law because they have much more peaceful homes than I do….mostly because of the calm and gentle ways that they have always spoken to their children. I wish I could take back many days during the past 6 years since my kids were born to work harder to create that calmness in my own home.
- When my first son was 5 days old, my husband found me crying and laughing hysterically on our bed. Being the psychology major that he was, he asked if I was having a psychotic episode. Through my tears, I shared with him that I was crying because I was so overwhelmed and laughing because I couldn’t stop crying. Helping moms see the normalcy in this postpartum behavior is one of the reasons I became a lactation consultant.
- I cried for weeks before I finally quit my job as a museum educator after my kids were born. This job was all I had ever hoped for, but my sanity was waning as I tried to manage work and kids. And while I love my business and my job, I still look at Craigslist from time to time to see if my old job is back on the market.
- I question my philosophies and actions as a parent each and every day. I wonder why my kids are so challenging and I am envious of women who actually enjoy spending time with their kids. Most days I just go to bed thinking, “What the hell am I doing?”
So, if I may add to the above lists of words/phrases that describe me, I would include: Scared, Persistent, Strong-Willed, Insecure, and Constantly Evolving. Thank you for allowing me to introduce my voice to you.